When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
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Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.