People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

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Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body


If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.


Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.


*Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*


Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket


science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”


[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*


Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:

1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power