@UnFitz
@audipenny Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
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@audipenny 
@Storminika If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
@AngieDavisHaha Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
@Rollinintheseat Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
@tuckerflodman *Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
@StruggleDisplay Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
@Fred_Delicious science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
@causticbob Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
@DurtMcHurtt [looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
@eleniZarro Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power