People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
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Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.