People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
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DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.