Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
You Might Also Like
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power