Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
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I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I’m being attacked 😭
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO