The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
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My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
why no one uses midhusbands