Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Genius idea!!
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
*mops up wine with cat*
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!