[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
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I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.