Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
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HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Education is vital
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?