@amburgklur

Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.

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@deegeemindi

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

@Beerhaze

I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

@XplodingUnicorn

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.

@alispagnola

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

@Meredvth

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

@Reverend_Scott

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

@girl_a_whirl

Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog

Him: the what?

Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???

@PaperWash

[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today

“is everything alright?”

[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no