I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
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Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.