If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
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I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
When you’re here for the treats.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
True statement👍😏😁
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away