If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
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{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Quadruple digit IQ
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People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes