Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
You Might Also Like
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.