Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
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[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials