ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
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My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar