If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
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I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
WORKER: so do you want that
WORKER: what else
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans
None that I can think of
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames