i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
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My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions