I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
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[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
How dramatic are you?
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop