Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
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My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Tony Hawk, age 6
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish