“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
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i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
How about daylight saves us for once
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.