[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
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im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Tell the colonel to bring it
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.