Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
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I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
cat faces on other animals, a thread
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
2022 will be better than 2021
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas