I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
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“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone