me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
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So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.