At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
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*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*