I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
You Might Also Like
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Spring of Deception
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
They’re on their honeymoon
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.