[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
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me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”