when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
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“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working