[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
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How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Someone just threatened to call me later
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying