Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
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My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
smartest karate player in the world
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious