Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
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My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Herpes is trending, good job people
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
BRO LMFAO
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.