The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
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I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots