I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
You Might Also Like
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
accurate
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]