Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
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I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.