Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
You Might Also Like
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.