My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
You Might Also Like
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?