ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
You Might Also Like
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
I might carry a baby with one hand.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious