Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
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Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
S M O L
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.