I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
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Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Carpe DM
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo