The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
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Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.