To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
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There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.