To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
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detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
For the baby who has everything
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?