BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?![]()
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It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
This will never not be funny to me.
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August 8
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Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Ok who’s got my black socks?
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you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
This checks out
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Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked