This will never not be funny to me.
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Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”![]()
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
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You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself