This will never not be funny to me.
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Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.