Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
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My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”