I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
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Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”