My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
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Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.