@PeterMolydeux

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

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@lisaOoOo

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

@Julian_Deane

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

@dafloydsta

A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.

@KyleMcDowell86

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

@_elvishpresley_

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

@mattytalks

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

@dogfather

CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA

@rainerfm

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

@DomesticGoddss

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.