You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
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The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
How dramatic are you?
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit