You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
![]()
You Might Also Like
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
![]()
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.