To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
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As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
This is my brand.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.