I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
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Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
OKAY DAD
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”