Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
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My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
🤣😈🤣