My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
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When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.