hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
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date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Squirrels before girls.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
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School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Doggies just call it style.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know