I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
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Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything