Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
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#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Body by sandwich.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!